My Story Intro

I'm writing a book. Why? My mom wrote a book. So I am starting here, on a blog and see where it goes. 

For years we all were told she was writing her life story. Her therapist recommended it and for her to publish it. No one could see it while she was alive but my son was sworn to publish without any edits no matter what I said. I was hopeful. My life, our life together, had a lot of things swept under the rug so to speak. I would say something happened and she would swear it didn't but I know what I experienced, saw and heard. I was hopeful she would finally lay it bare and admit the truths of life. So when she passed we found the manuscript along with scraps of journals from many years of writing. I took care of her funeral, closing her apartment and other business then I set aside a week to read everything thinking it was going to be an emotional journey. I read the scraps of journals from the years and there was bits of memories that came back to me and scraps of paper here and there that showed she knew the truth so I was hopeful. I opened the dreaded manuscript that I was so hopeful for and the only emotion I had was disbelief and amazement that someone could live through all the abuse that she had and reduce it to one small paragraph while having chapters about meeting my dad, how handsome he was and how much she loved him. She flew through other episodes in our life that had left lasting marks on me as if it was something she briefly read in a book but hadn't experienced. I did get a little satisfaction from the last page where she admitted there were a lot of hard times through our lives and the choices she made had contributed to them. But it was not enough.

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She was bipolar and I am sure it crossed into schizophrenia but there was never a formal diagnosis. She was miserable most of the time. The only time I saw her happy was in the last few years with my grandkids or when we went to church. She would sit on our pew with a smile on her face and a glimmer in her eye. At church they thought she was a quiet, sweet lady. When people told me that I was shocked. To me she was not quiet and rarely sweet. I am the one that got the force of her depression and anxiety. But I don't say I am free because of her death, I was free before that. I accepted and confronted the hard things and came to terms however necessary. I had lots of forgiveness and moved on instead of dwelling on things. I gave life to God and let Him do the healing. She couldn't let go. She kept it in her mind until it broke her and she was only free upon her death. She struggled a lot. There was a lot to struggle with and there is no way anyone could get through it and let it go without Christ. I know one of her personalities knew him and I am hoping that is what gives her everlasting peace because she had little here.

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So here we are. We are creating a network for women's soul support. There is enough for business networking and this is not that place. Ladies, we have no idea what our sisters are struggling with and we need to be the ones to hold them up and help them out. 5 years ago you would have thought I had it all together. I thought I had it all together. I had carefully constructed a life within my control to keep out things from the past. Things I had lived through but barely made it out alive. Then a series of events took away all semblance of control I had. Everything spiralled including me. I questioned God, how could He let these things happen? Why didn't all the good I had done balance everything out so I didn't have to deal with things I didn't want to? What was the use of trying so hard? The two parts of my identity I relied on the most seemed gone so what good was I to anyone? Then my breakdown took over. I got to the point I couldn't do anything but sit in the floor and try to breathe. In my despair I cried out and He delivered me to a counseling center where He rewrote my story. It has been hard and emotional and worth every moment. Now I call it a breakthrough.

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So sister, I have been there, believe me, I called my life the Lifetime Movie Saga, it just kept on and on. And I am here to tell you that we need one another. Jesus told the disciples the two greatest commandments were to love God with all of our hearts, minds and soul then to love others as we love ourselves. I break that down to 3 commands. Love God most. Love others...as He does. And Love ourselves...as He does. We can't love others without loving ourselves. Most of you are like me, I give myself little mercy and grace. But when you fully realize it is Christ in you to live and do His will you will learn to lean into Him and see yourself more through His eyes. Some others are hard to love too. But when we look at them through His eyes it is much easier. 

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                             So girlfriend,

                    let's do this together.

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Let's build a network of women to encourage each other. One with a little fun and a lot of fellowship. One with a little healing and a lot of heart. One with a little service and a lot of support. One who shares creativity and has tea parties! One where we wipe one another's tears, celebrate the joys and straighten the crowns of our sisters. Don't you need this in your life?

Won't you join me and let's rewrite some stories?